I achieved my greatest accomplishment in 2016, the birth of my daughter was single handily the most rewarding thing I have ever done. For me, children had always been the ultimate goal. During my childhood years there wasn’t a single version of my future that didn’t include children. My ultimate goal, my greatest wish and my only prayer was to be a mother.
I had this idea of what pregnancy would look like. I had envisioned how I would tell my friends and family & how happy they would be for me. I never thought it would be anything different, but I was wrong.
For a variety of reasons, I kept my pregnancy to myself. I acknowledged my pregnancy rarely and in a dismissive manner, don’t get me wrong my mind was always on my unborn child and her health, but I just couldn’t find a way to express outward happiness. In the nine months of my pregnancy, I was a mental disaster and my body showed it. My first trimester was one of the loneliest moments of my life, even though I was pregnant I managed to lose a significant amount of weight in a very short amount of time. I hate to use this word, but I truly was stressed.
See stress and I don’t go well together; I had lost 10 lbs had numerous fainting spells and I honestly was losing the ability to cope. (For reasons that don’t belong on the internet to be perfectly honest) I was at an all-time low and my response to that was to isolate myself. I actively believed I had gone crazy, I always thought I was going to be one of those pregnant women who talked to their bellies and planned a baby shower, had a maternity shoot, the whole nine yards but, I wasn’t. I cringed at the thought of a baby shower, and as long as my pre-natal checkups went well, I was happy with just hearing that my baby was healthy and thriving inside of me. I made everything about the baby and gave no thought to me.
I felt so distant from myself.
I spent my entire pregnancy with a passive attitude toward myself, turning down any invitation for a big celebration or attention to be drawn to myself, then finally, the day came. I was to be induced early and finally give birth to the long-awaited child of my dreams. It was a miracle! When she was born, I instantly felt connected to her, it was like all those feelings that I couldn’t find during my pregnancy came flooding in, I was in love and had hoped I had found my lost happiness, but it didn’t come back immediately.
I was the only one out of my friends to have had a baby at the time. I knew nothing of baby blues, postpartum depression etc, it took me until after her first birthday to feel like the gloom that surrounded me finally recessed. I don’t know if it was time, hormones or a combination of unfortunate events that had me in a downward spiral, but I urge you to seek help if you feel you are slipping, find someone you confide in to share your thoughts.
If all else fails seek out professional help.
Everyone’s experience with pregnancy is different, everyone’s personal circumstances differ, be gentle with new mothers, you never know what they are going through.
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